fiji (fiji, still, available nationally)

what a grand idea: get water from a country that itself conjures images of pristine beaches and sunny days, and simply remind us of that each time we buy a bottle. while the water we're drinking is not actually from said beaches, the crispness of this delicious 7.5ph liquid implies it should be (kind of in that way that everything on the denny's menu doesn't actually look like the pictures on the menu, but all of the options nonetheless taste like the pictures imply they should [we are of course not directly comparing fiji to something that would be served at denny's {not to insult the home of the big texas BBQ burger...}]).

packaging 4/10:
(this rating may be changing soon, as the fiji company has begun a massive environmental overhaul)
the environment lover in me wants to give this a 1/10, but the guy who respects a well thought out image bumps this up to a 4.
besides just having an incredibly inefficient shape, the fiji bottle rapes (and pillages) the environment in its production and shipping. each 1L bottle requires 6.7L of water to produce. they're cooked up at a 24-hour diesel fuel-run plan in china before being shipped to the filling plant in fiji (where they are then shipped--individually full of water--to various destinations).
still, the image is hard to beat. the clear front label of this perfectly smooth, rectangular bottle is scantily clad, with the main image being on the reverse of the back's label, letting the consumer view the image through the pristinely clear water. before even taking a sip we're reminded of how refreshingly pure this experience is about to be (the anti-dasani).

taste 9/10:
clean, crisp, and smooth, and perpetually refreshing, fiji's bite matches its bottle's smooth, rectangular bark.

clarity 10/10:
the bottle design begs you to disagree; arguing with this would be like starting a fight with mike tyson just because he told you that you could have the first shot.

trendiness 9/10:
while voss may be king of the convenience store, most of the michelin restaurants i frequent are still fiji fans (with apparently-custom rectangular ice buckets in tow). if their horrid environmental record becomes more public before they have a chance to curb it, though, fiji may be facing a tough road ahead with the increasing popularity of concern these days.

value 9/10:
depending on where you go, the price of fiji is usually fairly equal to our two previously-reviewed bottles, evian and volvic. fiji's online stats are a bit weird: the website we use for reference lists a 12 pack of 1Ls at 21.99--which is much less than the equivalent of the other premiums we've reviewed--but a 24-pack of .5L fiji bottles goes for 23.96, one cent more than the equivalently bottled amount of volvic. we can only assume that the difference is due to the price of producing a fiji bottle, as packaging 12Ls of water in 24 bottles is much more plastic than packaging that same water in 12 bottles, no matter how you slice it. basically, if you're going for large sizes or bulk, the larger the bottle the better the value for fiji. if you're at the supermarket, though, each bottle will probably run you around the same for any of the premiums, so the choice is yours.

overall:
the feej's horrid packaging score, due strictly to environmental factors, prevents this bottle from earning stellar marks. the same issues that lead to these environmental problems also cause a higher price-per-bottle to the consumer. once the company's packaging process is overhauled, fiji might just find itself floating to the top of the bottled water market. now we have to see if high-end consumers are alright with purchasing a product that does not kill the environment (do hummers come with square cupholders?).

41/50

ideal for: charlie trotter, those of us who just spent a grueling day at work...you know...crunching numbers and blogging n' stuff, people without arthritis, stupid n00bs who lurv making sure the environment gets McPwn'd before our kids are born

volvic (france, still, available nationally)

for those of us who enjoy a high-end bottle of water but don't need a braggadocios name in our hand, volvic might just be the perfect brand. maybe it's just me, but i hadn't heard of this 7ph'd bottle until this summer, despite it being available since 1938. that does not mean that it has gone unnoticed by everyone, though: the company employs virtually its entire town in france. they are socially responsible outside of their own area, too, recently launching the drink 1 give 10 program through which--in conjunction with UNICEF--they donate 10Ls of clean drinking water to children in a developing nation for every 1L they sell. ...and people say bottles of water are bad for this world.

packaging 6/10:
this delightful, unpretentious packaging has been made out of PETE since 1997--a highly recyclable form of bottle. still, it's fiji-esque box shape is not the most efficient use no matter how recyclable it is, and with the blue bottle i can't help but conjure images of poweraid. i do love the pre-galaxy mario hills on the package, though, and the font choice is perfect.

taste 7/10:
shockingly crisp and smooth no matter what the temperature, volvic provides one of the most refreshing experiences in a bottle. it is a bit heavy, though, but it does not diminish from the qualities mentioned before--a rare feat for a water described as such.

clarity 10/10:
what can i say? when you're clear, you're clear.

trendiness 9/10:
this one's on the up-and-up--the fact that i had not heard of volvic until coming to new york city is a plus in this category, especially considering how "in" it is with the right crowd here. i feel humbled.

value 8/10:
at 29.79 for a 12 pack of 1L, volvic does not come cheaply. i can't help be a fan knowing that part of that money is going to UNICEF, however, so i can't knock it for its price. and given that volvic is probably often charged to the corporate account, it's a way to get people to give back without even knowing. high marks for an expensive bottle.

overall:
as a purported bottle water expert, maybe i'm diminishing a bit of my reputability by hammering home how i hadn't been privy to volvic's magic until recently. still, i'm not ashamed to admit the truth, and in all honesty i'm excited to know that there are undiscovered bottles like this floating among us waiting to be discovered. i only hope other nectars taste as sweet.

40/50

ideal for: trick-or-treaters tired of orange change collection boxes, happy hipsters, fans of bumpy three-dimensional quadrilaterals

evian (france, still, available nationally)

a long time staple of the high-end water front (hitting US markets in the 1970s), evian has recently transitioned into other water based products, like face sprays and organic cosmetics. we're not too concerned with those here at h2br0s, though--it's the drinkability of that 7.18Ph'D-lite we care about.

packaging 9/10:
well ahead of the curve in the eco-friendly design for its smaller bottles (how did companies not pick up on this sooner?--less plastic means less overhead as well as a more environmentally friendly bottle!), with a fun-to-chew-on red spout for its individual sizes to boot, evian boasts some of the best packaging options on the market. the bottle is perfectly clear, giving you a pristine view of the equally lucid water, and is designed to invoke the idea of icicles both with the label and the bottle itself. a real winner here.

taste 9.5/10:
in my life i am yet to imbibe a more clear, perfect combination of hydrogen and oxygen. taking a sip of evian tastes like the ideal nothing, even though it claims itself to be a mineral water. drinking evian is more like injecting refreshment than it is drinking water.

clarity 10/10:
try to prove me wrong on this one.

trendiness 8.5/10:
evian used to be king here, but with the emergence of voss, and formerly fiji, evian's rep has taken a bit of a hit (i actually saw it in the front of a CVS a few days ago!). it is still popular at high-end restaurants, but the other two have become the facebooks and myspaces, leaving evian as a bit of a friendster.

value 7/10:
you're paying a pretty penny for evian (about $26.95 for a 12 pack of 1L bottles), but as the high ratings above imply it may just be worth it. it's hard to compare given that this is the first premium we've rated, but trust us when we say that if you're willing to pay the high price for water, evian is most probably your best bet.

overall:
it's expensive and pretentious, but evian mineral water may just be worth its price, both socially (depending on your "scene") and economically. as far as stills go, it's hard to beat in almost any category, with less expensive waters having a huge drop off in quality, and often more expensive ones having that same fall. although it's slipped in status in recent years, overall, evian still stands atop the global waterfall.

44/50

ideal for: upper-class suburban soccer moms, euro-trash, wall-street interns, voss drinkers' dogs